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Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena, Kristin, and Ilyce here. (It’s anonymous!)
Dear Pay Dirt,
When my grandmother died, her property came to my mother and uncle. He unfortunately died six months later without updating his will and his second wife inherited his share of the property. During an already tragic time, my cousins dragged us all into a fruitless lawsuit against their stepmother.
My mother had just lost the majority of her family in less than a year and was nearly catatonic with grief. The lawsuit added so much stress for her and ruined any relationship we had with my cousins. My aunt sold my mother her half of the property. She was so sick of it all, she moved back to her home country.
I didn’t have any contact with my cousins for several years until I lost my mother to cancer. My cousins came to the funeral and were a big comfort to me. I thought we had put the mess behind us.
Last week, I listed the property for sale because I was sick of the taxes and lived on the other side of the state. I got a text from one of my cousins asking me to do the “right” thing and give them their “fair share” of the proceedings. I just feel sick and scared. They are the only family I have left. I am unmarried and have no kids or siblings. I desperately wanted to believe their support of me was genuine but part of me thinks it was a ruse. I haven’t responded yet. What do I do? Ignore this, open up Pandora’s box, what else?
—Scared
Dear Scared,
First, let’s look at the financial side of things. Your mother paid for the remaining share of the property so that she could own it outright. In her will, she then passed on the entire property to you—both the half she inherited and the half she paid for. At this point, your cousin doesn’t have any financial stake in the property. If they still have beef about not getting their “fair share” of inheritance, that beef is with their stepmother, not you. Your mother paid to put this matter behind her. If you give them proceeds from the sale, that means you will be paying yet again to leave this situation in the past. The math doesn’t add up.
Whether or not your cousin genuinely wanted to be there to support you after your mother’s death is another matter, but right now, that doesn’t seem to be the case. In fact, it doesn’t sound like they’re at all interested in having a dialogue. Your cousin almost seems to be manipulating you into giving them money. Yes, they might feel cheated after their father’s death, and maybe that feeling is valid. But it’s long since been settled, and you had nothing to do with it.
In cases like this, it’s best to address the issue directly. And stick to the facts. Remind your cousin that your mother paid for full ownership of the property, and if she felt it was fair to divide this asset up among your cousins, she would have stated that in the will. You can also add that she paid your aunt because she wanted to put this matter behind her, and you hope they can honor that by dropping the issue. I know you’re scared about losing your family, but if your family is intimidating you in this way, they don’t seem like a reliable support system to begin with. In this case, doing the “right thing” sounds like standing up for yourself.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
For many years I’ve used a financial institution that was loosely affiliated with my credit union to manage my IRAs. The financial advisor assigned to my account has changed several times: most were just meh, but there was one woman who did a fantastic job explaining things and preparing me for the future. She left a few years ago, and her replacement is another guy who communicates poorly and who probably couldn’t pick me out of a lineup.
When my aunt died, I inherited her IRAs and have been working with her financial advisor. This man clearly cared about my aunt and did an excellent job with her finances. He overexplains things, but at least he’s clear. I’ve thought about moving my other IRAs to his firm, but I’m torn. For one thing, he’s in another state (though he knows about my state’s tax laws). For another, he’s of an age to retire soon, and then I’d be right back at square one. Is there any advantage to having all of my accounts under one roof? And how important is it to have a personal relationship with (or at least like) your advisor?
—One Basket for All the Eggs?
Dear One Basket,
Make sure you really like this advisor. It sounds like you already have an idea of what to look for in a good financial advisor, but it’s worth a recap. At the bare minimum, they should have some kind of credentials, ideally, they would be registered with the CFP board. They should also have a fee-based, rather than commission-based, payment structure—that way, you know they’re not just trying to sell you financial products for kickbacks. But beyond the basics, you want to make sure you mesh well with this person. You want to look for someone who listens to your specific needs rather than someone who offers generic advice that may or may not apply to you. They should also respect your risk tolerance when it comes to investing and have a clear idea of your long-term financial goals. Also, what’s their experience with clients similar to yours? Do they work with people in similar life stages?
But onto your question. The advantage of moving your accounts is mostly convenience and simplicity. Having everything at one firm can make it easier when you withdraw your funds at retirement, and it can make tax preparation easier, too. That said, you don’t want to risk important things like diversification and risk management for the sake of convenience. And if this advisor charges substantially more to manage your funds, that’s something to consider, too.
It might be beneficial to have an advisor in your state because, as you mentioned, they would theoretically have more knowledge of the laws and codes of your jurisdiction. But a good advisor from another state should be well-informed and able to effectively manage your accounts. It sounds like this advisor is pretty savvy, so if you have accounts with him anyway, it might make sense to move. Both for the convenience and for the peace of mind knowing that all of your assets are in good hands.
If you do go this route, make sure to ask some questions first. If he’s retiring soon, what is the future of their firm? It’s smart to evaluate the other advisors at the firm and see what their customer reviews say, especially compared to your current firm. If you trust this advisor, he should also be able to give you solid advice on the pros and cons of moving over your other accounts. It can be a pain to move everything over, but if you’re going to be picky, you might as well be picky with the person managing your money.
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Dear Pay Dirt,
I’m looking for some career/life advice. I work for governmental artist support. It’s hugely rewarding and important work. Unfortunately, we are severely underfunded, and a big part of my job is sending rejection letters to artists who genuinely deserve the funds. I’ve worked in different areas of artist support all my adult life so naturally a large part of my friend circle is artists. My partner is an artist, too. My friends are occasionally the artists who receive similar rejection letters. It breaks my heart. I have always been there to sympathize and offer clarity if they ask. But recently, it has been hard for me. I would love some advice on how to offer my support to my friends and partner and not feel heartbroken while doing my job.
—Yours With Sympathy
Dear Sympathy,
Does it help to remember that you’re the best kind of person for this job? It’s hard to get a rejection like that, but it can help soften the blow when the rejection comes from someone who genuinely understands and empathizes with the situation. Clearly, you approach your job with a sense of warmth. I’m guessing that warmth radiates in all the tasks you do—big and small. I know this doesn’t erase the heartache you feel, but it does give it a sense of purpose. Part of the reason you’re good at your job is that you care. If you didn’t, you probably wouldn’t feel so bad about seeing these folks struggle.
This kind of emotional labor is common among caretakers and people in professions like yours. It might be a necessary part of the job, but it can be draining, so don’t forget to take care of yourself, too. Do you have a self-care practice? It can be as simple as meditating at the end of a long day. Or starting a small support group with some of your colleagues. As the saying goes, it’s hard to pour from an empty cup, so find small ways to recharge your energy throughout the day. Not everyone can emotionally detach from the work they do, and that’s part of what makes people good at doing what they do. Unfortunately, it also means that heartache might be part of the process. Maybe the goal isn’t to get rid of that pain entirely but to find ways to be resilient in the face of it. That way, you can continue to do the work that you find so meaningful and rewarding.
—Kristin
Classic Prudie
I just moved in with my boyfriend of eight months. This is quicker than I’d normally move in with someone, but I had problems with an awful landlord, and my boyfriend had just bought a house. Things have been going really well, except for one issue. My boyfriend’s hobby is woodworking, and he plans to furnish the house exclusively with pieces he builds himself.
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